Saturday, November 20, 2010

The need to feel in control

Ive recently mentioned before that my family is getting ready for deployment number three.
As we move closer to saying good-bye, my deployment instincts and emotional barriers are starting to rise.

How do I know this?

Well first is to realize that as an Army Wife, I rarely have control over thing that has to do with my husband.
For example:

-How much time we spend together
-Who is picking up the kids from school or daycare
-Who will stay home with the kids if they are sick
-How many baseball, soccer or wrestling meets he will get to attend

You know, just little things like that

Anyways, since there are so many things I have no control over as deployment nears, I try to control the things I can.
Which drives my husband insaine.
Like today, I came home from work, and our home was a wreck!

And of course I got upset.
 I WANT clean.
I WANT uncomplicated
I WANT order.

So naturally I started to tidy up, but with alittle attitude in my step.
And my husband could tell something was the matter.
I explained to him, how my mind is starting to function.
Preparing for deployment and being alone with three kids.

He acknowledged my feelings, but also explained his.
" Baby, I am not worried about a messy house right now, because I can always clean it later, I just want to spend time with my boys."

His explaination showed me how we are in 2 totally diffrent mind frames.

As well, I emotionally have started to withdrawl.
Which all military spouse briefings I have been too tell you not to do.
Well I am sorry, but this is how I deal.
Hugs and kisses are now brief, and talks of the future are something I really dont want to have.
(The future is not promised)

And of course on his end, he is trying to get closer to me with longer hugs and more kisses
and talks of," What we are going to do when he gets back."


I think the time before deployment is the hardest.
What do you think?